Gosti Big Belly And The Grapefrui Diet
by DuchessofErat
Summary: Althalus decides one night in Gosti's camp maybe it's time to spice things up. However, his approac is a bit novel...


(( A/N- All my ideas seem to sprout in car rides, have you noticed that? Well, my father had replaced my cousin's Jeff Foxworthy CD in our car with Weird Al. He was driving me home from Mock Trial when "Grapefruit Diet" came on. I think I startled my father when I screamed "GOSTI BIG BELLY!!!!" as loud as I could. Can you believe he offered to drive me to my therapist's office? I am so misunderstood. Anyways, nothing belongs to me in here, but, I want the young Arum at the end. Pwease?))   
  
  
  
  
Althalus was bored.  
Even though he hated to admit it, two months with Gosti Big Belly was severely straining his creativity. Sure, Arums were a simple people, but honestly, they just didn't realize some stories deteriorated in the telling. Althalus swore if he had to repeat the "Deika Dog Incident" one more time, he'd strangle the drunken clansmen who requested it.  
Finally, while the Arums celebrated themselves to insensibility, a peculiar notion appeared to him. Gosti, as he had come to note, was immensely (no pun intended) proud of his obesity. He siezed every chance to flaunt it, once even remarking he was just trying to rival the weight of his gold. So, Gosti should appreciate a nice little performance in honor of him, right?  
Maybe he'd had a bit too much of that awful ale stuff, but Althalus stepped up onto the table grandly, holding his tankard aloft. Every pair of eyes swiveled in his direction.  
"Friends, Arums, men!," he cried. Then he paused a minute, adding, "and the dear pigs of course." The Arums laughed, and Althalus was satisfied his ability had not soured as his disposition had. "My friends," he began again, "I would like to entertain you with a routine I have designed for our revered friend Chief Gosti, if I may. What say you? Yea or nay?"  
"YEA!," came the resounding cheer. Althalus feigned modesty.   
"Well, if this is what the clan wishes.....," he said slowly.  
"Go on, Masser Altha-iss," yelled one of the celebrants, slurring his words. Althalus bowed. "A song, for our beloved chief," he intoned, and began his song.  
  
"Who's that waddlin' down the street?  
It's just me 'cause I love to eat  
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham  
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!"  
  
Althalus chuckled as Gosti guffawed his pleasure at being recognized. You'd think the Chief would be used to it by now, but Althalus was only here to please, and if Gosti enjoyed it so much...  
  
"Every picture of me's  
Gotta be an aerial view  
Now my doctor tells me  
There's just one thing left to do"  
  
Althalus began dancing a bit, the sort of things Arums did on long winter nights. He was, to say the least, moderately flattered when they began to dance too. "Cheer with me, friends!," he called grandly, waving his arms like a conductor.  
  
  
"Grapefruit Diet"  
"Diet!," yelled the clansmen.  
"Throw out the pizza and beer..  
"Grapefruit Diet,"  
"Diet!"  
"Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here..."  
  
Althalus was shocked to take note of a faint smile on Galbak's face.  
  
"Grapefruit Diet!"   
"Diet!"  
"Might seem a little severe...  
Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear.  
"Blow, fatty!"  
  
It was all Althalus could do not to choke when Gosti coughed, spraying gravy all over. Althalus had, of course, said "Blow", but, really...  
  
"Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce  
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss  
Walked down an alley and I got stuck  
I got more rolls than a pastry truck"  
  
Some clansman laughed. "That's Gosti all right!," he yelled.  
  
"When I'm all done eating  
I eat a little more  
When I leave a room  
First I gotta grease the door!"  
  
Althalus took a swig of his ale, managing to choke it down and succeeding in his attempt to make it look natural. Obviously, it impressed the Arums, since many of them copied him.  
  
"Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"Can't have another eclair..  
Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"I gotta decrease my dairy air!"  
  
Althalus began grinning openly as Gosti began to laugh bellowingly. Obviously there was some truth to that statement.  
  
"I'm on a Grapefruit Diet...  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet...  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet..."  
  
Obviously the clansmen enjoyed this song, since everyone was dancing now. Except for Gosti and Galbak of course. Althalus hadn't really expected it from them.  
  
"No more pie now  
No more creme brulee  
Lay off the gravy  
And souffle"  
  
One Arum snorted. Apparently, he could not bring his imagination to envision Gosti cutting back on his intake.  
  
"No french fri-yi-yies now  
No ice cream parfait  
Mr. Cheese Nacho  
Stay away!"  
  
"I'd like to see that!" The same Arum who had snorted raised up his tankard, accidently spilling ale on his neighbors head. Althalus chose not to comment on this.  
  
"Oh I think I'd sell my soul  
For a triple patty melt  
But I need a boomerang  
When I put on my belt."  
  
"Does Gosti wear a belt?"  
Althalus ignored that remark.  
  
"Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"Lay off the 3 Musketeers...  
Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"Until my big booty disappears...  
Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears  
Grapefruit Diet"   
"Diet!"  
"'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years!"  
  
By now, Althalus would be lying if he had said he wasn't enjoying himself. Strutting around the table he sang, picking up certain tankards and switching them around. After all, a bit of a performance never hurt anybody, did it?  
  
"I'm on a Grapefruit Diet...  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet...  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet..."  
  
Althalus finished his performance with a little backflip off the table. Of course, it was very ostentatious, but these were Arums, after all. You needed something fairly fanciful to catch thier attention. He sighed as he leaned back in his chair. With any luck, the Arums soon would fall asleep.  
Finally, he mused, relaxation. After this winter, he was definetly taking an extended visit to Nabjor's camp. He took a little sip of his ale, forcing himself to swallow another grimace. Althalus closed his eyes, sighing in relief. Hopefully, now the Arums would cease dogging him everyday with requests.  
Althalus was just about ready to fall asleep when a young boy approached him.  
"Master Althalus, give us another song, please?"  
It was all the thief could do not to cry.  
  
  
((Hehe, I done good? Please R/R!!)) 


End file.
